The Killing of Satan: Video Oddities #5, page 3

VIDEO ODDITIES, or VHS: Video House Safari

john cribbs

THE KILLING OF SATAN

page 3

PART 4: DIE BY THE SWORD

Anyone who's ever played a video game knows that there are levels of endstage bosses, and Lando follows the basic structure by meeting three increasingly more powerful threats that collectively make up the climax of the movie. The first stage, of course, is to challenge the Prince of Magic. Lando returns to the cave and frees the nude girls by using the staff to magically evaporate the cage. They break free from their spell and let Lando know that his daughter has been taken by the bad guys. She's the one who's been chosen as Satan's bride, but they're setting her up like some kind of sacrifice: she's stripped by hooded hell monks and, in a trance, laid out on a slab of stone while blood is poured on and around her body. Lando runs to save her, fighting off flunkies along the way using the staff, which I've decided to refer to as the "Deus ex machina" - he doesn't know how to use it, but when he points it at something supernatural that thing seems to be effected, or somebody grabs it and it shocks them to death. So not much skill involved in wielding the staff, but it's a good thing Lando has it because the Prince of Magic meets him in a corridor of the cave ready for round two: it's good mustache vs evil mustache! Make that good mustache for evil mustaches...the Prince multiplies himself into a dozen clones - each one in a different outfit! This might be my favorite thing to happen in the entire movie - one of the clones wears an open jean vest with a bandana! I wish I had a suit like that. In a precursor to the Neo/multiple Smith fight from the second Matrix movie, Lando (the Proud One!) is forced to fend off dozens of Princes of Magic before finally weeding out the real deal, at which point he manages to harness the power of the devil's number 2 and use it against him. Then their fight just sort of ends - I guess he defeated the Prince of Magic. I'm not exactly sure how, but I'm fairly sure his ass explodes.

In the wake of the assplosion, Lando discovers an old woman caught under a fallen rock and helps her up. He gives her his staff to support herself (Lando, no!) and she leads him to some kind of brothel (...within the cave?) where the next stage of the final showdown takes place. The old woman, who is of course the dominatrix in disguise, meets up with two other mistresses who turn into animals and try to kill Lando. I'm not sure if this establishment was set up entirely for his benefit, to ensnare and murder him, or if it just happens to be a Satan-run brothel that paying customers who are into beastiality frequent (what? nobody questions the werewolf-human sex in the Twilight movies). Either explanation is solid, but it does seem like a lot to set up in a little time to be ready for Lando when he happens upon it. A lot of thought and effort would have had to go into that. Anyway, he's seduced by the sultry vixens in a play on the whole Brides of Dracula bit (like in Vampire Hunter D; a scene which also involves snake-knotting, albeit consensual) and it's understandable that he allows himself to be tempted: his wife is quite demur after all, not to mention nagging. Lucky for us these ladies have no patience: rather than going through with a full seduction they instantly revert to their animal forms: snake (giant boa constrictor), dog (from the box cover!) and, uh, cat. The cat lady might want to have tried to turn into a slightly more dangerous animal form, but who am I to criticize? Maybe it's all she's able to do. One day she'll develop into a tiger or a lion or something useful. Without the staff, Lando must rely on brute force to conquer the hell beasts and easily defeats them despite their combined constricting, biting and...er...scratching.

Had I edited The Killing of Satan, I probably would have convinced the director to place the brothel scene before the killing of the Prince of Magic. It feels anti-climatic after that hellacious fight, not in any small part due to the dominatrix-in-disguise taking her sweet time slow walking Lando to the trap. Seriously, I think it was shot in real time. But it was worth the wait, because we all know that the third and final stage of Lando's quest is up next...

PART 5: HERE COMES THE PAIN

With Mr. Magic out of the way, Lando has only to fulfill the movie's title promise and kill the man himself. I was nervous for him: he was able to beat up some women and defeat a husky, middle-aged magic man, but the Satan we saw looked young and spry. Even without using the powers of hell to vanquish poor Lando, it seems like he'd be able to best him in a physical match. But I needn't have been concerned: by the time he confronts the devil, the Prince of Darkness has transformed into a bloated old guy with a widow's peak. There is literally no explanation, nothing like "Satan's powers were weakened so he turned into a fat guy with a thinning hair line," it just sort of happens while he's sitting in a chair. At first I thought this was a fiendish devil's trick to throw Lando off - Satan would make himself seem fat and feeble to appear weak but still possess the same kind of power and strength. But then during their duel to the death he's stumbling over rocks and lumbering around like he can't move too well, and he's constantly getting jabbed by Lando's staff and fleeing his opponent pathetically in a kind of sissy prance. He doesn't look like a man of "wealth and taste," unless you mean a taste for chili dogs. This incarnation really makes you rethink that question again about what power a man should possess to challenge the Prince of Darkness. Maybe all you need to possess is the ability to poke him in the belly. Or give him a wedgie. Or make him run 10 feet using his dainty footwork, therefore winding him.

Once he takes on his robust new form, Satan's clothes also change from tights to a frilly red-and-black tuxedo with matching bow tie. This led me to wonder: when exactly did it become fashionable for Satan to dress like a a magician? What's the origin of that? It seems to have been around for a long time, the idea of Satan as a suave guy in a tux, but I wonder who thought it up originally. At any rate, this Satan is not suave, or svelte. He's stout.

Lando finds the red rock that God told him to seek out. The good news is, John Tesh is not performing a concert there. The bad news is, Satan is also nowhere to be found. Lando cries out for the devil to show himself, and he finally does, in the guise of an old man (can the bad guys - not to mention God - only imitate old people??) I'm a little confused what this ruse was supposed to accomplish exactly (was Satan going to lead Lando back to the brothel?) but as soon as he notices the glowing red shadow this old guy is casting, Lando calls him out for who he really is, and the battle is on...

The face/off begins with some verbal sparing, with Lando winning 1-0 after taunting, "You're yellow, Satan!" Of course, Satan is red so that's a good insult. It seems like the stage is set for limitless fat jokes - "Bring it on, Beezleblubber," or "I guess the Fifth Circle of Hell is actually a donut shop, 'ey tubby?" - but Lando honorably keeps it clean. Strangely, this fleshy fallen angel has no witty reply. In popular culture, the devil usually serves as a symbolic figure who tests human beings or lures them away from God using some kind of demon psychology. This one's just a pimp; he's got nothing, and makes Lando look like friggin' Mohammed Ali with that tame "yellow" dig. He even misses the chance to psych out Lando - bring up his dead son? Transform into the mutilated face of the man he went to prison for killing? Threaten his wife and/or daughter? Nope, all missed opportunites. He doesn't even challenge him to a fiddle contest. Instead, once he finds the staff impervious to his fireballs, he struts around trying to skewer Lando with his trident, and not very gracefully I might add. Really, this is the extent of the devil's power? We already know that his minions can mentally push people, turn into animals, spin folks' heads around their bodies...and yet the devil's tricks seem limited to WWE-style fire-themed entrances. And he doesn't look nearly as imposing as the Undertaker. Satan worshipers worldwide must find this humiliating.

So the end fight, the one we've all been waiting for, spectated from afar by Niño -li'l Jesus himself - is mostly just funny. What it really needed was some Queen playing in the background. Lando and his excellent staff-pointing skills make short work of the Evil One, eventually creating Tron-like barriers on either side of Satan so he can't dematerialize to safety. Then he zaps him with the Deus ex machina staff, and after one or two jolts the dumpy devil appears to light up and crumble to nothing. The dominatrix and hell monks in the cave turn into snakes; Lando beats the helpless serpents with his staff and collects his daughter. The two of them return to the village just in time for a giant storm (I guess the aftermath of evil's triumphant fall?) that ravages the huts. I have to say, considering it isn't explained and has no narrative value whatsoever, I am absolutely convinced that a real hurricane started while they were filming the movie and they just kept the cameras on. Everybody survives, and Lando, his wife and daughter reunite in a freeze frame that ends the movie.

PART 666: HELL AWAITS

Sorry this installment turned out to be mostly a scene-by-scene recounting of the entire movie*, but in my defense I think it's a film that merits a full plot review from beginning to end. I'm obsessed with movie tie-in novelizations, and I would love to get hired to write the novelization of this one.** I gotta admit, I genuinely enjoyed The Killing of Satan. It plays like a terrible B movie but has enough weird stuff in it to transcend the silliness by being positively inventive and strange. And I have to reiterate that I'm not somebody who appreciates "so bad it's good" movies - there has to be some element of earnest filmmaking and/or storytelling involved. This movie pulled me in with its take on one man's journey from death to life, from land to sea to underground, with the 'never seen that in a movie before' aspects overruling all the implied rape, snake torture (by the good guys) and woman beating (on both sides). Likewise, the exotic location shooting and good cave interiors make for nice scenary while the worthy makeup and pyrotechnic effects more than make up for the less notable aesthetics like the horrible dubbing and out-of-sync sound effects. Although the devil turned out to be ridiculous, the classic take on him (big cape, horns) and basic special effects (fiery entrances, more figure-popping-up-in-the-middle-of-a-shot moments than maybe any film in history etc) reminded of the kind of supernatural silent films made by Georges Melies at the beginning of the 20th century, and in particular the 1907 short El Espectro Rojo by Segundo de Chomón and Ferdinand Zecca. In that one Satan also had a harem, although they were clothed French prostitutes...he also looked a little portly. It's just not everyday you come upon an obscure exploitation title that turns out to be a condensed, modernized history of Abrahamic religion with Jesus recast as an ex-con in a jean jacket. Where does this movie come from and how did it break into the United States? Did it come from hell itself? Are the forces of darkness trying to throw us off by depicting the devil as a girdle-wearing, easily-defeated schlub? (For answers, see APPENDIX below).

It's funny that the killing was not the goal from the outset, and there was no conspiracy involved. In Valkyrie we saw how impossible it was to get to Hitler, so you'd figure it would take a bunch of guys with years and years of planning to even get in the same room with the devil himself (like those monks who couldn't kill the anti-christ in the third Omen movie). His death in the movie is almost incidental, a case of Satan pushing his luck. I mean here he is, responsible for all the evil in the world, the symbol of everything corrupt and offensive since the dawn of time - but kidnapping girls as part of some (literal) underground sex slave ring? Now he's gone too far!

What does it mean that the devil is dead? The set up with Lando killing the guy and going to jail for it at the beginning was a moral grey area - but now evil's abolished and everybody should be sin-free, right? No more zapping innocent people with your hands or seducing someone then trying to eat them? And who was the Prince of Magic anyway? The title "prince" seems to suggest he's in some line of succession...to the throne of hell? Prince of Magic/Prince of Peace -is he the evil Jesus? I guess "magic" is not exactly the opposite of "peace." Speaking of which, what about that Jesus figure at the beginning? I'm still not sure who he was. Was that footage taken from another film and slapped onto the beginning? Maybe it's a Roman being crucified...one named Snuff Maximus!

All questions aside, let's get to what's most important here...of all the titles I've reviewed for the series thus far, this one has the most accurate video box! Obviously Dr. Butcher has a completely fabricated physician on its cover, Microwave Massacre depicts some Leatherface/old woman (who's that supposed to be?) looking inside a microwave that's actually much smaller than the one in the film, the sniper on the front of Killer Likes Candy doesn't resemble the title assassin and appears to have more candy than we actually see at any point in the movie, and Dead Pit has its Eddie-like Heavy Metal mascot zombie character who doesn't turn up at any point during the zombie proceedings. Let's tally Killing of Satan's video box features, shall we? We've got: mustache-wearing hero with a staff. Check! The artist's rendition is a tad more flattering than reality, and the guy is wearing a ripped shirt rather than Lando's trademark denim, but we'll let that one slide. There's a snake (lots of snakes in the movie) and a hellhound like the doberman that attacks Lando in the brothel. Check and check! Underground/cave background? Check! The mummy-character is a little iffy, but he looks enough like the rotting, ragged corpse that accosts Lando on the boat so I'm counting that as a Check. Sultry seductress who is fading in/out of the scene is indeed featured in the film - Check! Which brings us to the man himself...obviously, this portrait of Satan is a good deal more intimidating, muscular and flat-out demonic than his two representations in the story. This Satan looks like could bite both of those actors' heads off at the same time with very little effort. But we'll allow that little embellishment, because at the end of the day this video box is reliable. I'd even venture to say the artist actually saw the movie before creating this video box. And to their credit, Paragon chose a title that didn't pull a Pope Must Diet-like wimp-out and end up being called "The Killing of Stan." It's called The Killing of Satan - and that's what fucking happens!

RIP Satan!

POST MORTEM (aka APPENDIX)

The film was a Filipino production, original title Lumaban ka, Satanas (roughly "I Protest You, Satan!") The director: Efren C Piñon, whose other titles include Baldo is Coming, Ninja Nightmare, Blind Rage, Alex San Diego: Wanted, and Bomba Queen (followed by the sequel Code Name: Bomba). The movie came out same year, 1983, as another Filipino occult thriller, The Queen of Black Magic, and is said to be a fine Filipino exploitation film following in the proud tradition of tropic-themed Filipino drive-in fare like the classic trilogy Mad Doctor of Blood Island, The Brides of Blood Island and Beast of Blood Island. I'd love to learn what the business end of the American deal was; how and why Paragon ended up purchasing the distribution rights to this particular movie, but that information is currently beyond my investigative abilities.

Lando himself, Ramon Revillo, was a huge star in his own country back in the day. Discovered by casting agents while pumping their gas, he played a few bit parts before getting frustrated, quitting, and joining the Secret Service Unit of the Bureau of Customs. He returned to acting and staked his claim to fame in 1972 with the movie Nardong Putik (and its sequel) in which he played the title character, who has a magic amulet that grants him unlimited power, but only when he's in the mud. Hm...guess I'd have to see it. He created his own production company, Imus Productions which he ran with his wife, and ended up writing and directing several features which led to numerous awards. After retiring from showbiz, his popularity led him into (get this) politics, serving two terms as senator. We all thought it was weird when Arnold Schwarzenegger became governor of California, but it turns out he was just taking a page from the book of Revillo. His biggest accomplishment was an amendment to the Family Code known as the 'Revillo Bill,' which granted illegitimate children the right to use their father's surname. "The child should not suffer the stigma of his illegitimacy," he was quoted as saying. His son Ramon "Bong" Revillo Jr followed his father into a film career, and then into a career as senator.

On May 12th, 2009, Alec Baldwin appeared on an episode of "The Late Show with David Letterman." When asked by Letterman if he would ever want to have more kids, he quipped that he was "thinking about getting a Filipino mail-order bride at this point ... or a Russian one." The comment made news when Revillo gave a press conference condemning Baldwin's comment as "insensitive and uncalled for" and an insult to millions of Filipinos. He called the actor "arrogant" and said he is apparently unaware that the Philippines has a law against mail-order brides. "Let him try to come here in the Philippines and he'll see mayhem," Revilla said, using a local idiom that implies the speaker will personally administer a beating. Baldwin later apologized, stating: "The comments of some Philippine government officials come as no surprise to me, either. Even the one by a former action film star-turned-Senator who beckoned me to come to the Philippines so he could 'beat' me over my comment. Such anger and frustration about the issue of sex trafficking is understandable."

Well, we all know from this movie that Revillo is anti-slave woman; he goes to great lengths to free Satan's hypnotized harem. And if he's still got the staff around I'm sure a tubby Alec Baldwin would be just as easy to defeat as a tubby Prince of Darkness.

Anyway Senator Revillo, now that you're out of the politics game let's talk about a little follow-up film called Bring Me the Mustache of Orlando san Miguel and its sequel, The Last Temptation of Lando. Let's strike while the trident's hot!

The Killing of Satan trailer is on youtube - it features many of the moments highlighted in this article, and a narrator who refers to it as "a ferociously intense and absorbing revelation." Is that a pun?

And here's the amusing psychic duel/goofy face competition between a villager and a minion of the devil.

APPENDIX II: MY 10 FAVORITE SATAN SCREEN INCARNATIONS

1. Peter Cook as George Spiggott in Bedazzled (Stanley Donen, 1967)

2. Silvia Pinal as The Devil in Simon of the Desert (Luis Bunuel, 1965)

3. Emil Jannings as Mephisto in Faust (FW Murnau, 1926)

4. James Coco as Dr. D in Hunk (Lawrence Bassoff, 1987)

5. Walter Huston as Mr. Scratch in The Devil and Daniel Webster (William Dieterle, 1941)

6. G Tito Shaw as Lou Cipher*** in Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son-in-Law (Cliff Roquemore, 1977)

7. Claude Rains as Nick in Angel on My Shoulder (Archie Mayo, 1946)

8. Mel Blanc as Hector the Bulldog in Satan's Waitin' (Friz Freleng, 1953)

9. Patrick Bergin as Beezle in Highway to Hell (Ate de Jong, 1991)

10. Rex Ingram as Lucifer Jr/Lucius Ferry in Cabin in the Sky (Vincente Minelli/Busby Berkeley, 1943)

And on the small screen: tie between Ray Wise as The Devil on "Reaper" (2007-2009) and John Glover as The Devil on "Brimstone" (1998-1999). Scariest TV Devil: Joel Grey on the series finale of "Dallas."

* Sorry too about the quality of the images - I shot them off the tv screen.

** I checked, it doesn't exist. By the way I'm thinking of starting a new series of articles on movie novelizations. I really am intrigued by them. If I did end up doing it, I guess I'd have to devote an entire chunk of it to Alan Dean Foster. If I ever made a movie, he's the one I would want to novelize it (especially after Wayland Drew's passing.)

*** Yep, they swiped that great joke for Robert De Niro's devil in Angel Heart.

THINK WE'RE DONE WITH THE DEVIL? GUESS AGAIN! COMING SOON...

SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS!

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